bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
