why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
