aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
