I just threw up on my dentist
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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