At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
