You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
