whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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