The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
