be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
