Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
