no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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