the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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