That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
