You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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