So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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