last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
