my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
