Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
