No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
