and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She told me I should be a condom model.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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