Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
