First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
