She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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