he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
