Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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