Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
