took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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