Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
