Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
