My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
