As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
