I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
one might say we're banned from that church
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
