he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
