i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I want her autograph on my taint
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
