theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
