I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
