mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Come see our sink grown plant.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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