If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
