Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
