i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
