$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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