Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
