I want to walk on stilts...naked
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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