Don't make out with my wife yet
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
