you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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