genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
