when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
