There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
