sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize