R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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