My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
