She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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