i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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