im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
