My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
