Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
