I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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