he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
