Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
