so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
