JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
