First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
