I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
