I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
