I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
