she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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