Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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