I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
