I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
