Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
