I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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