I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
