I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
