Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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