i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
