my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
