meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
