You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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