i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
