Is it because I queefed?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
